A Look Back

Yes, finally, a blog post!
My heart is full tonight as I contemplate all the ways I have been blessed in spite of this very difficult season we have been through. The fact that we are still in our home is in itself a miracle and one I do not take lightly or for granted. In the almost two years since Madison’s arrival in our world, I can truly say we’ve been through it all and not just in regards to parenting but in life as whole.


Motherhood, for me, began with a rocky start, post partum depression, family far away, the desperate search for a community to surround my new mother self with, and in all this to find the balance of self/wife/mother/friend/etc. Somehow I have come out on the other side with the deepest of compassion and a depth of understanding that only experience can bring you. I am also grateful beyond words for the amazing, amazing, amazing group of friends that have come along side me, often in the most unexpected ways, to share this journey with. With family so far away, they have been a true life source, offering me so much joy, support, laughter, good times, advice, and friendship. I am also proud to say, that although it does not always go perfectly, I have learned to juggle motherhood, work, housework, fun times, family times and me times. My New Years resolution last year was to learn how to take time to care for myself and in doing so, I kicked postpartum depression in the butt! This is all thanks to the fact that I, FINALLY, have a regular work out schedule and routine, my new "happy pill." I never thought I was the athletic type but I have proved myself wrong and this year had the immense pleasure of completing both the Warrior Dash and my first 5k! You truly do not know what you have in you until you are pushed to the very end of yourself and choose to keep moving.

As most of you know, a month after we closed on our home and with both a new baby and a new dog to care for, Jeremy was laid off. So began almost a year of job searching and soul searching. We came so close to losing everything that we have come to hold dear, our home and our friends. And the prospect of moving to VA seemed our only option for a while. I stayed hopeful and upbeat for the longest time and then when it seemed like nothing was working no matter how positive I stayed or how hard we tried, I cried and I yelled and I got mad and I lost it. Sometimes you’ve just gotta have a good cry! Thankfully, Jeremy finally found a job! It's not his dream job and his schedule is less than ideal, but we are grateful. Most of all though, we have our family to be so very grateful to for coming to our aide when we were at our lowest point and helping to carry us through. Truly, that is what family is all about. No matter our differences and no matter the distance, when we need them, they are there.

There is still so much I could write about, the path was long and winding and overwhelmingly full of ups and downs. But I’ll leave you with this, “If you're going through hell, keep on going, don’t slow down. If you're scared, don't show it, You might get out before the devil even knows you're there.” :) There’s always Hope and I can promise you that you’ll get through even the darkest of days, just keep going!

Frustration to Inspiration

This morning was one of those mornings where I just wanted to kick some butt! I was angry as hell and beyond frustrated, some of it was valid frustration and some of it was just me being my control freak self. I recently had a conversation with a dear friend of mine about the possibility that our job choices have something to say about us as individuals on a psychological level. We both grew up in a very strict, religious, stifling environment and now here we are in our jobs managing and organizing other people’s lives. If that doesn’t say something, I don’t know what does …


For a long time I was told how to act, how to look, how to be and now that I am finally in control of my own life I teeter between easy going and control freak. I am an extremely tenacious, determined, go getter in some ways and in other ways I am a laid back, peaceful, carefree person. I think I draw the line when it comes to my personal life vs. my social life. In my personal life, I want to have control whereas in a social setting I am more willing to go with the flow and defer to others. In my personal life, I don’t deal well with change, I don’t like when things are chaotic or plans go array as they did this morning.


Before Madison was born, I was much more able to ignore the issues. I had so little time between work and school to really focus on bettering myself. After Madison was born, it became a complete necessity. Three months after she was born I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression, the dreaded diagnoses of every new mother. I mean really, who wants to tell their doctor, “Oh by the way, I think I am going a little crazy?”
Between dealing with my inner demons, adjusting to being a new mother and dealing with other difficulties in my life at the time I finally came to a point where I realized something had to change. For me the answer was far simpler than I imagined; I needed to take the time to focus on becoming a better person and developing better coping mechanisms. So I did two things; I opened my heart up to new friendships that continue to offer me support and a safe place to spill my guts and I started working out on a consistent basis.


Today when my emotions were at a boiling point and I needed a release for all my negative energy, I made myself focus on what would really be helpful to me mentally and emotionally. I went to the gym and I kicked my own butt and it was awesome! By the end of my workout, my negative energy was gone. My frustration had dissipated and I was able to examine the issues with a clear head as well as dance and be silly with my girly girl. I was always told I was not athletic, I never thought I would enjoy working out and sometimes I still don’t, but the overall positive impact it has had on my life mentally, physically, and emotionally make it more than worth the while. And to once again quote John Locke of LOST, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”


So wherever you are in your personal journey, realize that only you can change the negative into positive and that you do have the power to overcome. Don’t let your past or how others have labeled you determine how you are going to live out your life today. You have only one life to live, so live it fully, passionately, and have some fun!

What Happened to Bedtime??

8:45 ... Yep, that's when she finally gave up and went to bed tonight. These last two weeks have brought on a new round of bedtimes which have ranged anywhere from 7:30 - 10:00. This along with the added bonus of middle of the night visits that usually last for an hour of Miss Madi and I in the same bed  until she finally settles and is okay with going back into her crib. My girl has been a 7:00 - 7:30 bedtime girl for ever, what happened to bedtime?

Sleep schedules completely haywire, are topped with the new demands of my suddenly vocal and sturdily mobile child, who of course has never been less than completely determined. Throwing fits at the drop of a hat, just about anywhere and throwing toys and any available object to express frustration, usually directed at me because my attention has been diverted from her, have become daily norms. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'd run and hide but she'd just come find me ... :)

So because I've heard of the Bad Mom's Club, and was certainly feeling like one tonight, after serving Madison dinner on the couch accompanied by a movie, I decided to check them out and found this wonderful little tidbit describing two year olds. So for all of you who tell me my daughter's advanced, its a double edge sword because she had already hit the two's phase by 18 months. Anyway, this quote literally brought tears to my eyes:

"It’s not like having an infant who can’t walk, whom you can then plunk in the middle of the living room floor and at least drink your coffee. It’s not like having a five year old who might be at least capable, however badly, of wiping their own butt and tying their own shoes. No, two – and from the looks of it, well in to three – appears to be very possibly the most bone-wearying exhausting phase of parenting." (Please don’t tell me it gets worse. I can’t take it right now.)

They’re like unleashed orangutans. It’s the constant movement, the need to be in to everything, the seeming inability to listen to anything – or, let me correct that, the ability to listen and then do the exact opposite of whatever it is you’re telling them to do – the running, running, running, usually while shrieking, the NO DATS MINE!s, the grabbing, the food throwing, the food refusing – I suspect you get the point and, if your child is over two, you may be experiencing flashbacks. My apologies.


Never does sinking in to a kitchen chair at 9 pm in front of dinner and a glass of pinot feel so welcomed as the day when the toddler was up all night then up all day and shrieked from one end of it to the other, let’s put it that way."

I am teary eyed because I realize that I am not crazy, I am not losing it, I am not the only one going through this, and thankfully I am not the only parent finally sitting down after a long day with a glass of wine (Or possibly I am teary & bleary from exhaustion). One thing is for certain though, I wouldn't trade being her mommy for the world. I love this crazy, tenacious, overwhelming, amazing, little girl. I'll admit though, sometimes I wish I could be the one throwing myself on the floor and screaming, pushing people I am frustrated with, yelling "That's Mine!" when someone takes my parking spot ... :)

http://thebadmomsclub.com/2011/08/bad-moms-admit-exhaustion.html

Home Visit Scheduled!

As most of you know, we are currently going through the state to begin the adoption process and sent in our application a little while ago. I was getting pretty antsy and wondering why I hadn't heard anything from DCF regarding our application, so I decided to call and email! Well that got a response and after playing phone tag for the past couple of days, I finally spoke the woman assigned to our case and we are scheduled for a home visit on Friday.

Now I am nervous and excited, I guess because its for real now. So needless to say, I will be frantically cleaning my house and for those of you who know me, you'll know that I will probably clean in areas she wont even look! Better safe than sorry, right? I have also begun to contemplate what the change from one to two children will be like ... I also realize my mom was very right in saying I need to start transitioning Madison from her crib to her bed so that won't be one more thing for her to adjust to. List making will commence as soon as I am done blogging!

So here we go! One more step towards meeting the newest member of our family ...

What it Really Takes to Stay Married

I just read this today and wanted to share this article and my thoughts on it as well.

1. Know That Happily-Ever-After Is A Myth:

Lower your expectations; it's dangerous fantasy to think marriage really means you get to be happy forever. Expecting perfection in a marriage or a mate is a fast ticket to divorce. Listen to the longtime wives on this point: The happiest women have a clear sense of purpose and passion outside of their relationships. We realize that a marriage that runs on multiple tracks makes for a more satisfied spouse who gets to have it both ways -- a committed marriage and personal adventures in uncharted territory. Marital bliss is possible if each partner is blissful without the other.

From a very young age, most girls are spoon fed the "prince charming" fantasy and so there is this unrealistic expectation of what marriage will really mean. Isn't it interesting that all the Fairy Tales end with the kiss or the wedding and everyone lives "happily ever after ..." Yet, we are never privy to exactly how their "happily ever after" unfolds. Instead of raising our girls to find men, we should be raising our girls to find themselves.
A strong confident woman who knows who she is and knows what she wants for her life, is far more likely to find a healthy partner with whom to create a lasting relationship; a relationship that will include mutual respect and an equal partnership. Let's also teach our children that love is not based on emotion; love is a commitment to give of yourself to someone even when times are tough and you're just not feeling it!

2. Don't compare your marriage to anyone else's:
It's your relationship, not your sister's, not your mother's, and there is no gold standard marriage. Everyone has issues, problems, and most importantly, their own secrets. Your girlfriend who is always calling her husband "sweetie" and sits with her legs twined with his may be flinging dishes at him when no one is around. So don't worry that your marriage isn't measuring up. Because no one knows what's really going on in a marriage except the two people in it. That gives each of us the freedom to write our own rules.

I love that! "Write your own rules." Its the same advice I was given and still  give to new parents, "Do what works for you!" This is your life, your marriage, your family - remember when you were little and you couldn't wait to grow up so you could do things the way you wanted to? Well, here you are, grown up, time to do it the way you've always wanted to. Talk to each other about what's working and whats not, be willing to make changes, and stop listening to what everyone else is saying, especially family. 

3. Hang out with outrageous girlfriends and boyfriends -- with boundaries:
The wives with the highest marital satisfaction have a tight circle of wild women friends with whom to drink, travel and vent. Close friendships provide the escape hatch from the inevitable storms that come with living with somebody year-to-year in the grind of ordinary life. Women who love the company of men shouldn't have to eliminate men friends from their lives. These extra-marital males who always think we're beautiful and smart (because they don't live with us :)) definitely make for a perkier wife. So marry someone who is confident and flexible, a man who knows that the more people, male and female, who bolster your self-esteem means there's less work for him!

Jeremy and I have always been open to the other having friendship with same and opposite sex friends. We both have them and we're both okay with that because we TRUST each other. We openly joke about our "list," you know the infamous list from "Friends?" I know he loves Natalie Portman and he knows I was totally in love with Keith Urban for a while but lately I am more into Bradley Cooper ... :) We also chat about the real day to day people we find attractive as well. Be Real! Just because you're married doesn't mean you will never be attracted to someone else, but be open and honest about it. On another note we each need time apart with friends, to be ourselves not Mr. & Mrs.,  not Mom & Dad, just Leah & Jeremy.




4. Take Separate Vacations:
You like to camp and your husband likes to golf? Spend a month of the summer in the Adirondacks while he goes with his buddies to Scottsdale or better yet, Scotland. Obviously this works better once empty nest hits. After some weeks apart from each other, removed from clashing over bills and in-laws, marriage seems way hotter than the tepid state in which you left each other. Make sure you have the fundamental quality of trust going into a marriage. Trust allows couples to liberate each other to explore their own passions independently. And partners who keep growing as individuals during each phase of a marriage are the ones with the best chance of growing together and staying together.

We're not quite here yet, but it sounds wonderful! We are still trying to find the time for a night away together or the funds for a family vacation ... although I have been away on a girls weekend and hope to again soon. Guess I owe him one ... :)

5. Remember to talk to each other, and to have sex:
In between wifely gallivants and self-exploration, remember to love the guy you're with -- kiss him hello and goodbye, and make time for conversation, no matter how crammed your two-career schedules are. Don't forget to have sex -- sex is really relaxing and fun and can make all your woes go away, at least for eleven minutes or so! Express gratitude to this guy who is giving you something huge: This is the person who can help you build a safe harbor in a world of chaos and uncertainly. He can give you children. After years of having to Spanx every body part in order to impress your dates, your husband is the prince who gave you the freedom to soften at the belly, and to finally relax. The biggest surprise secret I found is how many wives are still enjoying sex after 75 with their mates of 50-plus years!

This seemed SO easy before we had a baby and then our carefree world was wonderfully, crazily, tipped upside down by our beautiful, lovebug. Now we have to actually plan time for ourselves and to be completely honest, we had a very deep, heart to heart about this recently - I won't speak for Jeremy, but I will say that I realized that I was making time for everything else in my life but for him. I had put him on the bottom of my list of priorities. I think in some way, I felt safe to do this because I like to think he'd never actually leave and somehow I felt justified as well, because I needed time for myself especially now that I am a mom. True as that may be, why did I decide I couldn't make time for love? I mean isn't that why I got married in the first place, isn't that why I decided I wanted to have a baby? Because of love?  I want my family to thrive, but it can only thrive on love, and that has to start from the top and work its way down. No he's not always perfect, but neither am I and so enough excuses! Our relationship is a priority.

6. Don't try to win every fight:
Surrender once in a while instead of always having to be right. Couples who stomp off with unresolved conflicts end up holding onto vintage rage, and antique blame that forms toxic wedges over time. Even if you can't forgive and forget, at least let go and move on when snarly brawls and/or plate-throwing erupts behind your own closed doors. Say "I'm sorry", even if you're not sorry one bit. Showing compassion definitely makes spouses behave better. And the ability to bounce back from strife is the real secret that makes marriages last forever.

My mom always told me I didn't know when to shut my mouth and boy was she right! When we were first married, oh my, we fought and fought and fought. Then one day it dawned on me, why did I always have to add fuel to the fire? Why did I have to turn a small argument into a raging fight? Some things don't need to be said, EVER, even when you really want to! Other things need to be said, but maybe not right away. Now I can't say I have perfected this or that I am always quick to watch what I say, I mean especially after a baby and dealing with sleep deprivation, but I have determined to be more mindful of what I say. My newest goal for myself has been to cut down on the negativity and begin to speak more positively into my surroundings, into my family, into my friends, and into anyone I come in contact with. I want peace in all aspects of my life and that includes my marriage. Being right isn't always worth it.






These points are inspired by a book entitled, "The Secret Lives Wives:Women Share What it Really Takes to Stay Married " and were taken from an article entitled "6 Secrets to Staying Married Forever," both of which were written by Iris Krasnow, an assistant professor in the School of Communication at American University

You Are the 99%

So I am still  a little unclear as to the exact goal of the Occupiers, but one thing is for sure, at least they are making themselves heard!! I am really tired of people scoffing at them while they sit and do nothing. Whether you agree with them or not, you have to agree that CHANGE IS NEEDED! It's so easy to judge when you are on the outside looking in, but honestly how many of you can say you are not one of the 99%? I know I can't.

I am going to get really personal here, almost a year ago, a month after we closed on our home, my husband was laid off from his job. Our daughter was 8 mos. old at the time and I had just started a very part time job. The day he was laid off set off a series of events that have changed my outlook on life in general and have given me a compassion and a passion for the 99%. All of a sudden our income was cut in half, we had no health insurance, we didn't have enough money to pay our bills, frankly, we were screwed.

My husband has worked since he was fourteen, losing his job while trying to care for his family, was extremely demoralizing and depressing for him. He searched and searched for jobs, he applied to any position he felt that he would qualify for, nothing happened for almost a year. He just started a new job last month, he does not make as much as he did before, we are extremely behind on pretty much all of our bills. We are still in our house thanks to the loving support of our families. All of a sudden we needed Government Assistance and qualified for it as well, something we NEVER expected to take or need.

We have always worked hard, my husband and I are both still paying for our college educations, we have a mortgage, a car payment, utility bills, gas bills, grocery bills, doctor's bills ... All we want is a chance to live the "American Dream." But how are we suppose to do that when we can't live on my husbands income or afford for me to work because child care is too expensive and honestly I'd really like to be the one who raises my daughter!!

So whether you like it or not, the Occupiers have a point and unlike most of us they have a voice. So instead of scoffing at them, why not join them and make your voice heard? Our government is suppose to work for us, but instead they're living cushy lives, paid for by us, while we are getting calls from our creditors. Is that not a problem to you?

This Movement ...
"It is real. Yes, it’s youth-driven, broad-based, determinedly democratic and deeply grounded in the most basic of American values of economic fairness, social justice and equal opportunity for all. It’s not about left-right ideologies, but top-down realities. It’s focused directly on the narcissistic greed of today’s financial and corporate elites and on their gross corruption of our political system by a flood of money from corporations that now masquerade as persons.

 Is the movement exactly there? No, not by a long shot; but it has a shot. The spunk, motivation, idealism, creativity and passion of these young people are genuine, not the product of partisan consultants, think tanks, rich funders or large organizations. So the movement’s direct street action is turning out to be the spark that millions of disgusted grassroots people have needed to stop moaning and start acting, which is why Occupy Madison, Occupy Chicago, and hundreds of other Occupies have sprung up spontaneously across the country within three weeks of the Wall Street initiative. These people are on target and on the move." *

So yes, they may be too radical for you. Yes, they lack maturity. Yes, they need to solidify their goals and agenda. But they are going to make changes and if you care to make changes that matter to you then you might want to take them a little more seriously and make you're voice heard as well.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,

Committed people can change the world.

Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

- Margaret Mead

*Jim Hightower http://www.isthmus.com/daily/article.php?article=34951

Trying to figure out what you REALLY believe

Taken, with permission of course :), from my friends Facebook page. I thought it was very well said and worth reading ...

"Trying to figure out what you REALLY believe about the world, people, church, and family, is a long process--It means looking at all sides of every argument of each topic you are thinking about--Even the sides that we think are ridiculous, not just the sides of the argument that are in favor of what you originally thought, or what you were raised to think.

To my fellow Christians--As Christians, ...taking all of these points of view, (conservative, liberal, independent, on all issues fiscal, social, relational), and bringing them to the foundation of scripture, and doing our best to have an unbiased approach while doing so, is the only way to ensure that we are not just believing and living out things that are only based on what other people (even intelligent, Godly people) have told us before. It's a lifelong, annoying, grueling process that many of us (including myself) have in the past, seen as being unnecessary, because many of us believe (and were raised to believe) that we already have it figured out. This is our biggest problem.

If we are only discussing these major life topics with people that agree with us, then we are not actually doing any truth seeking, but are only reinforcing our own opinions about the world. This will not help anyone, and when we are suddenly in conversations with people who challenge our beliefs and opinions, we will appear shy, sheepish, biased and uninformed. In such crazy times, we cannot afford to be this way."

 

by Madolyn Zani.

 

I have had the privelage of knowing Maddy since we were very young ladies. She is a music extraordinaire, she sings, writes music, plays violin, guitar, and piano. She is beautiful inside and out, and I am really proud of the woman she has become. I only wish we could go back to the less hectic days so that we could actually see eachother once and a while. :)