Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Bittersweet Irony

I love my jobs ... I am an assistant to an Insurance Agent who specializes in Long Term Care Planning. I love what I do and I am learning so much. My boss has provided me with amazing flexibility and a wonderful opportunity to grow. I love being a mom, my daughter is such an amazing little person and I feel very privileged to be raising such a tenacious, strong-willed, and intelligent little woman. She has made my life so much more meaningful and fulfilling.

So where in lies my dilemma? I feel as if I am being pulled in two different directions and either way it will break my heart. I know that if I committed to longer hours, I could grow tremendously in this industry and become successful but ... I am having a hard time being away from my daughter for even the two short days that I work. I don't want to drop her off at her Preshool and leave her there and when I do it makes me want to quit my job. But then there are nights like last night where I got dressed up, went out for a nice dinner, and learned even more about the business, had a wonderful time and I loved it! Everyone tells you that you can have it both ways, but I wonder can you really? Ultimately will I be forced to sacrifice something?

In this case, I know in my heart of hearts that I would never do anything that would sacrifice my daughter's happiness. So I will instead, swallow my guilt, hold onto my belief that "it takes a village," and remember that I am my daughter's role model. Will I choose to model an attitude of guilt and defeat or will I instead teach her that Life is about balance? Just because I work part time doesn't mean I love her less, I can let go and realize that a healthy, happy mommy is the best mommy. I have to change the prevailing attitude of "good dad's work," and "good mom's stay home," by being that change.

Oh and PS ... I think I'm going to have to order Madi this cool t-shirt :)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

On this journey ...

Today is one of those days when it is just so wonderful to be alive! The weather is perfect, the stress of the week is over, and I am enjoying a rare moment of time to myself while Madi sleeps and Jeremy runs errands. So FINALLY, I will write. :)

Lately, I have been on a journey of creating a stronger self inside and out. Becoming a mom was one of the most challenging curves life has ever thrown me. It seemed more than I could handle at times and the saying "when it rains, it pours," was more than appropriate for how life was in the past year. Missing family who were far when I needed them close, losing friendships that I thought were certain, my husband losing his job and with it our sense of security, battling for and with a close friend who was dealing with alcoholism, and the list goes on ... But somehow at the beginning of the year is was like I was given a revelation of sorts - You can care and care and care for everyone, which is wonderful, but sometimes the most important person to care for is your self. So from someone who NEVER makes New Years resolutions, one was made. I was going to learn to take time to take care of me.

I still have to make a conscious choice to not feel guilty and there are still days when the stress seems to be more than I can handle, but deep inside now I know I can handle it. So I have a choice, a choice to give into guilt, fear, and stress or to let go, relax, and know that no matter how hard I try to control things it will not change the outcome. I love this quote by Deepak Chopra,"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future." This brings to mind a picture of Madi, sometime while walking she likes to turn and look behind her. Most of the time this doesn't work out so well for her because she ends up bumping into walls. So it is with us, our journey forward will never be truly successful unless we stop looking back and start moving fully forward. Looking back only cause pain as we bump, moving forward creates freedom!

One thing I know for certain, ""You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think."