Peace

Peace. What does that mean?

This is my question in this hard time of wondering ...

I could lose it, that's for sure.

But is there really any benefit in that?

Of course not.

I have heard that it is in the hard times

that true character is revealed.

I am hoping that my true character

is stronger than I feel.

I've always wanted to be independent.

I've never wanted to rely on a man as a way to live.

A beautiful, baby girl changed all that!

I am no longer able to be an island.

I have to depend on other's to survive

both emotionally and financially.

That was fine, I was actually coming to terms with that ...

Until my husband lost his job.

Now I am faced with the fact that as unjust as it is,

my husband's earning potential is larger than mine.

It's hard for me to come to terms with that.

I want to jump in and save the day, but I can't.

I can't for two reasons,

One: my income is not enough,

Two: I can't imagine being away from my baby for 40+ hrs.

All that being said ...

Somewhere in all this I have to find a place of Peace

I have to know that it will all work out.

Life has ups and downs,

but somehow we are always ok.

And even though I don't see it right now,

there is an answer and there is a reason in all of this.

A Hopeful Place

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

~ Sara Groves

It's been a hard couple of years honestly, but today we closed on our house and were given the keys and I feel hopeful ... I am thankful that God sees a lot farther ahead than I do and has a better plan than I could make. So here's to a new place, a hopeful place.

"O Lord, you alone are my hope. I've trusted you O Lord, from childhood." Psalm 71.5

"... put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love ..." Psalm 130:7

Breathing Spaces

Becoming a mom has been more challenging than I could ever have anticipated, even now as I write this my daughter is deciding whether or not she is going to take a nap. :) I knew very well that I would be giving up a lot of my freedom but I what I never expected is how that would make me feel. Lack of freedom and total sleep deprivation have held me in a foggy state for months now and I have a hard time remembering what life was like before this; but, in those rare moments of lucidity where I am able to remember life before motherhood, I am hit with waves of sadness and then the impending guilt. I have always been ruled by guilt; but, who knew how much one mini girl could take your guilt and times it by 100%? Because of the guilt and over emotionalism (due to many factors) even when the opportunity has been offered to me to take time for myself I have been unable and unwilling to do so.

So basically I have been running on empty for months now. In the last month Everything began to fall apart and come together at the same time. The realization of my impending burnout began to open me up to the possibilities of letting go and letting other's help - for the first time since Madison was born I went to bed and let Jeremy do her last night feeding and first morning feeding; this was my first night of solid sleep since I went into labor this past March. I also went out on a limb and opened myself up to new friendship with other new moms. These women have changed my life and continually make me a stronger, better person and a more relaxed, peaceful mom.

Today I took the opportunity to go to a Yoga class and let one of the moms care for Madi while I was in class. It was wonderful and challenging at the same time. I had to fight back my fear and worry about how Madison was and choose to focus instead on being in the moment for myself. This was the longest time I have had to myself since Madison was born and it was exactly what I needed. I came out of the class feeling refreshed, recharged, and full of positive energy. Best of all, Madison was completely fine and as happy as she always is. Today I learned that I NEED to be deliberate in making room for breathing spaces in my daily routine. I am a better mom and wife when I am at peace and not in a frenzy. Guilt was robbing me of my joy and sucking away my energy - so going forward I choose to let go of the things I can't control, take a moment to breathe when I am given the chance, and realize that it truly does take a village to raise a child.

The Day the Simpsons Saved Me

So Madi and I took our first trip together to VA this past week, hence the lack of blogging, but anyway ... I was pretty nervous about taking her on the plane by myself but I shouldn't have worried considering I just may have the worlds best baby ( I'm obviously slightly prejudice:)). Our first plane ride was in the morning, which ended up being perfectly timed after her feeding and around her morning nap time. She slept like an angel the whole way there and the guy next to me commented as we were landed, "Wow! You've got a great baby." To which I replied, "I know, she takes after me." Just kidding about the last part. :) We enjoyed a wonderful week with my family and both Mommy and Madi were spoiled rotten. Ahh! Family!

Our flight back was not quite as smooth. For some reason they made me take her stroller with me to the plane when in Boston I had been allowed to check it with my suitcase. So I took her out of the Bjorn and put her in the stroller, we get to the security checkpoint and I found out I had to take her out of the stroller. Great! So out of the stroller now and into the Bjorn again. Security was slow as molasses and when I finally got up to the scanner no one was there to help me lift my stroller onto the conveyor belt and when I did get it up there it wouldn't fit! Of course Mr. Security didn't notice my dilemma even though he was watching a screen waiting for items to go through - "Um, hello? Didn't you notice your screen was blank?" So I called him over and told him my stroller wouldn't fit, he of course had to try for himself and finally said, "Hm, I think you're right." No! Really? My stroller than had to be hand checked because chances were I was carrying dangerous items in my stroller.

When I was finally free, I had to rush like crazy and find elevators because I couldn't do stairs or escalators with the stupid stroller! I finally made it to my gate with 10mins to spare. Phew! At that point Madi had fallen asleep in the Bjorn. Score! Or so I thought until the stewardess informed me that I couldn't have her in the Bjorn because she was safer sitting in my lap facing forward. Really? My 3month old sitting face forward instead of securely in the Bjorn? This was not a problem when I was flying out of Boston ... So of course she woke up. She did great for a while but really, you can only entertain a baby for so long and our flight was an hour long. Now I have a strict no TV policy for Madison, she is not allowed to watch it at all. I was flying JetBlue so I had the news on the screen in front of me, no sound, so I could check the time. At 7:00pm, the Simpsons came on and because its colorful, it caught Madi's eye and saved the day! She sat contently in my lap for the rest of the flight, doing two things she will not be allowed to do again anytime soon, watch TV and watch the Simpsons. Its amazing what you will do in moments of desperation so your child wont scream. And I always said I wouldn't be one of those parents ... :)

My Vitini

So this is my way of trying to make drinking my vitamin shake more interesting. Instead of choking down my vitamins I prentended I was drinking something fun, it helped that it was pink of course. As much as I hate taking this healthy grossness, I have to admit that Reliv* is magical. I had stopped taking it for a while and got a cold, so I decided I better start taking it again. After three days my cold was gone!! And if you are wondering why my baby is such a genius at only two and a half months it could very well be connected to the fact that I drank (sometimes gagged) this stuff the entire time I was pregnant. Go figure ...

*Disclaimer: I do not sell Reliv and never will but have certainly benefited from the product.

Dear Market Basket

Dear Market Basket -

I used to refuse to shop at your stores because I was a snob but now that I am an adult with a little baby I can't resist the charm of your oh so cheap prices. You have started to offer natural and organic products, which for me was also a huge selling point. I still hate how crowded you are no matter what day of the week I shop, but I guess when you offer such a discount you insure that you will always be busy. Overall I have become somewhat satisfied with your store but can you please stop giving me so many plastic bags??? Does a bottle of ketchup really need its own bag? I know, I know, I should be brining my own resuable bags but for some reason I keep forgetting them in my closet. I have a great idea for you though, if you made me bring my own bags and didn't offer any at your store it would force me to remember and probably save you money allowing you to lower you prices even further and gain even more business. So what do you say? Can you help me to be responsible by being responsible?

Thank you ever so much,
Leah

Change Will Do You Good

I have never done well with BIG change. I like certainty, but at the same time I am frustrated if I get stuck in a rut so really I don't mind the small changes, just the life changes. I become so afraid of what will happen and struggle with letting go of what is/was. So deciding to have a baby was not an instantaneous decision or an easy one. I knew it was something I wanted but I struggled with the hows and whens. It seemed so overwhelming and I was very comfortable where I was at, just Jeremy and I. I over analyzed everything and weighed out every little detail until one day I just let go ... As I write I am sitting here holding the most precious change I have ever experienced, she is beautiful, she is perfect, she is mine! I can't imagine my life without her. She is by far the best and the biggest change in my life and I couldn't be happier.