Breathing Spaces

Becoming a mom has been more challenging than I could ever have anticipated, even now as I write this my daughter is deciding whether or not she is going to take a nap. :) I knew very well that I would be giving up a lot of my freedom but I what I never expected is how that would make me feel. Lack of freedom and total sleep deprivation have held me in a foggy state for months now and I have a hard time remembering what life was like before this; but, in those rare moments of lucidity where I am able to remember life before motherhood, I am hit with waves of sadness and then the impending guilt. I have always been ruled by guilt; but, who knew how much one mini girl could take your guilt and times it by 100%? Because of the guilt and over emotionalism (due to many factors) even when the opportunity has been offered to me to take time for myself I have been unable and unwilling to do so.

So basically I have been running on empty for months now. In the last month Everything began to fall apart and come together at the same time. The realization of my impending burnout began to open me up to the possibilities of letting go and letting other's help - for the first time since Madison was born I went to bed and let Jeremy do her last night feeding and first morning feeding; this was my first night of solid sleep since I went into labor this past March. I also went out on a limb and opened myself up to new friendship with other new moms. These women have changed my life and continually make me a stronger, better person and a more relaxed, peaceful mom.

Today I took the opportunity to go to a Yoga class and let one of the moms care for Madi while I was in class. It was wonderful and challenging at the same time. I had to fight back my fear and worry about how Madison was and choose to focus instead on being in the moment for myself. This was the longest time I have had to myself since Madison was born and it was exactly what I needed. I came out of the class feeling refreshed, recharged, and full of positive energy. Best of all, Madison was completely fine and as happy as she always is. Today I learned that I NEED to be deliberate in making room for breathing spaces in my daily routine. I am a better mom and wife when I am at peace and not in a frenzy. Guilt was robbing me of my joy and sucking away my energy - so going forward I choose to let go of the things I can't control, take a moment to breathe when I am given the chance, and realize that it truly does take a village to raise a child.

The Day the Simpsons Saved Me

So Madi and I took our first trip together to VA this past week, hence the lack of blogging, but anyway ... I was pretty nervous about taking her on the plane by myself but I shouldn't have worried considering I just may have the worlds best baby ( I'm obviously slightly prejudice:)). Our first plane ride was in the morning, which ended up being perfectly timed after her feeding and around her morning nap time. She slept like an angel the whole way there and the guy next to me commented as we were landed, "Wow! You've got a great baby." To which I replied, "I know, she takes after me." Just kidding about the last part. :) We enjoyed a wonderful week with my family and both Mommy and Madi were spoiled rotten. Ahh! Family!

Our flight back was not quite as smooth. For some reason they made me take her stroller with me to the plane when in Boston I had been allowed to check it with my suitcase. So I took her out of the Bjorn and put her in the stroller, we get to the security checkpoint and I found out I had to take her out of the stroller. Great! So out of the stroller now and into the Bjorn again. Security was slow as molasses and when I finally got up to the scanner no one was there to help me lift my stroller onto the conveyor belt and when I did get it up there it wouldn't fit! Of course Mr. Security didn't notice my dilemma even though he was watching a screen waiting for items to go through - "Um, hello? Didn't you notice your screen was blank?" So I called him over and told him my stroller wouldn't fit, he of course had to try for himself and finally said, "Hm, I think you're right." No! Really? My stroller than had to be hand checked because chances were I was carrying dangerous items in my stroller.

When I was finally free, I had to rush like crazy and find elevators because I couldn't do stairs or escalators with the stupid stroller! I finally made it to my gate with 10mins to spare. Phew! At that point Madi had fallen asleep in the Bjorn. Score! Or so I thought until the stewardess informed me that I couldn't have her in the Bjorn because she was safer sitting in my lap facing forward. Really? My 3month old sitting face forward instead of securely in the Bjorn? This was not a problem when I was flying out of Boston ... So of course she woke up. She did great for a while but really, you can only entertain a baby for so long and our flight was an hour long. Now I have a strict no TV policy for Madison, she is not allowed to watch it at all. I was flying JetBlue so I had the news on the screen in front of me, no sound, so I could check the time. At 7:00pm, the Simpsons came on and because its colorful, it caught Madi's eye and saved the day! She sat contently in my lap for the rest of the flight, doing two things she will not be allowed to do again anytime soon, watch TV and watch the Simpsons. Its amazing what you will do in moments of desperation so your child wont scream. And I always said I wouldn't be one of those parents ... :)