Becoming a mom has been more challenging than I could ever have anticipated, even now as I write this my daughter is deciding whether or not she is going to take a nap. :) I knew very well that I would be giving up a lot of my freedom but I what I never expected is how that would make me feel. Lack of freedom and total sleep deprivation have held me in a foggy state for months now and I have a hard time remembering what life was like before this; but, in those rare moments of lucidity where I am able to remember life before motherhood, I am hit with waves of sadness and then the impending guilt. I have always been ruled by guilt; but, who knew how much one mini girl could take your guilt and times it by 100%? Because of the guilt and over emotionalism (due to many factors) even when the opportunity has been offered to me to take time for myself I have been unable and unwilling to do so.
So basically I have been running on empty for months now. In the last month Everything began to fall apart and come together at the same time. The realization of my impending burnout began to open me up to the possibilities of letting go and letting other's help - for the first time since Madison was born I went to bed and let Jeremy do her last night feeding and first morning feeding; this was my first night of solid sleep since I went into labor this past March. I also went out on a limb and opened myself up to new friendship with other new moms. These women have changed my life and continually make me a stronger, better person and a more relaxed, peaceful mom.
Today I took the opportunity to go to a Yoga class and let one of the moms care for Madi while I was in class. It was wonderful and challenging at the same time. I had to fight back my fear and worry about how Madison was and choose to focus instead on being in the moment for myself. This was the longest time I have had to myself since Madison was born and it was exactly what I needed. I came out of the class feeling refreshed, recharged, and full of positive energy. Best of all, Madison was completely fine and as happy as she always is. Today I learned that I NEED to be deliberate in making room for breathing spaces in my daily routine. I am a better mom and wife when I am at peace and not in a frenzy. Guilt was robbing me of my joy and sucking away my energy - so going forward I choose to let go of the things I can't control, take a moment to breathe when I am given the chance, and realize that it truly does take a village to raise a child.