Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Frustration to Inspiration

This morning was one of those mornings where I just wanted to kick some butt! I was angry as hell and beyond frustrated, some of it was valid frustration and some of it was just me being my control freak self. I recently had a conversation with a dear friend of mine about the possibility that our job choices have something to say about us as individuals on a psychological level. We both grew up in a very strict, religious, stifling environment and now here we are in our jobs managing and organizing other people’s lives. If that doesn’t say something, I don’t know what does …

For a long time I was told how to act, how to look, how to be and now that I am finally in control of my own life I teeter between easy going and control freak. I am an extremely tenacious, determined, go getter in some ways and in other ways I am a laid back, peaceful, carefree person. I think I draw the line when it comes to my personal life vs. my social life. In my personal life, I want to have control whereas in a social setting I am more willing to go with the flow and defer to others. In my personal life, I don’t deal well with change, I don’t like when things are chaotic or plans go array as they did this morning.

Before Madison was born, I was much more able to ignore the issues. I had so little time between work and school to really focus on bettering myself. After Madison was born, it became a complete necessity. Three months after she was born I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression, the dreaded diagnoses of every new mother. I mean really, who wants to tell their doctor, “Oh by the way, I think I am going a little crazy?”
Between dealing with my inner demons, adjusting to being a new mother and dealing with other difficulties in my life at the time I finally came to a point where I realized something had to change. For me the answer was far simpler than I imagined; I needed to take the time to focus on becoming a better person and developing better coping mechanisms. So I did two things; I opened my heart up to new friendships that continue to offer me support and a safe place to spill my guts and I started working out on a consistent basis.

Today when my emotions were at a boiling point and I needed a release for all my negative energy, I made myself focus on what would really be helpful to me mentally and emotionally. I went to the gym and I kicked my own butt and it was awesome! By the end of my workout, my negative energy was gone. My frustration had dissipated and I was able to examine the issues with a clear head as well as dance and be silly with my girly girl. I was always told I was not athletic, I never thought I would enjoy working out and sometimes I still don’t, but the overall positive impact it has had on my life mentally, physically, and emotionally make it more than worth the while. And to once again quote John Locke of LOST, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

So wherever you are in your personal journey, realize that only you can change the negative into positive and that you do have the power to overcome. Don’t let your past or how others have labeled you determine how you are going to live out your life today. You have only one life to live, so live it fully, passionately, and have some fun!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

What Happened to Bedtime??

8:45 ... Yep, that's when she finally gave up and went to bed tonight. These last two weeks have brought on a new round of bedtimes which have ranged anywhere from 7:30 - 10:00. This along with the added bonus of middle of the night visits that usually last for an hour of Miss Madi and I in the same bed  until she finally settles and is okay with going back into her crib. My girl has been a 7:00 - 7:30 bedtime girl for ever, what happened to bedtime?

Sleep schedules completely haywire, are topped with the new demands of my suddenly vocal and sturdily mobile child, who of course has never been less than completely determined. Throwing fits at the drop of a hat, just about anywhere and throwing toys and any available object to express frustration, usually directed at me because my attention has been diverted from her, have become daily norms. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'd run and hide but she'd just come find me ... :)

So because I've heard of the Bad Mom's Club, and was certainly feeling like one tonight, after serving Madison dinner on the couch accompanied by a movie, I decided to check them out and found this wonderful little tidbit describing two year olds. So for all of you who tell me my daughter's advanced, its a double edge sword because she had already hit the two's phase by 18 months. Anyway, this quote literally brought tears to my eyes:

"It’s not like having an infant who can’t walk, whom you can then plunk in the middle of the living room floor and at least drink your coffee. It’s not like having a five year old who might be at least capable, however badly, of wiping their own butt and tying their own shoes. No, two – and from the looks of it, well in to three – appears to be very possibly the most bone-wearying exhausting phase of parenting." (Please don’t tell me it gets worse. I can’t take it right now.)

They’re like unleashed orangutans. It’s the constant movement, the need to be in to everything, the seeming inability to listen to anything – or, let me correct that, the ability to listen and then do the exact opposite of whatever it is you’re telling them to do – the running, running, running, usually while shrieking, the NO DATS MINE!s, the grabbing, the food throwing, the food refusing – I suspect you get the point and, if your child is over two, you may be experiencing flashbacks. My apologies.

Never does sinking in to a kitchen chair at 9 pm in front of dinner and a glass of pinot feel so welcomed as the day when the toddler was up all night then up all day and shrieked from one end of it to the other, let’s put it that way."

I am teary eyed because I realize that I am not crazy, I am not losing it, I am not the only one going through this, and thankfully I am not the only parent finally sitting down after a long day with a glass of wine (Or possibly I am teary & bleary from exhaustion). One thing is for certain though, I wouldn't trade being her mommy for the world. I love this crazy, tenacious, overwhelming, amazing, little girl. I'll admit though, sometimes I wish I could be the one throwing myself on the floor and screaming, pushing people I am frustrated with, yelling "That's Mine!" when someone takes my parking spot ... :)


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Home Visit Scheduled!

As most of you know, we are currently going through the state to begin the adoption process and sent in our application a little while ago. I was getting pretty antsy and wondering why I hadn't heard anything from DCF regarding our application, so I decided to call and email! Well that got a response and after playing phone tag for the past couple of days, I finally spoke the woman assigned to our case and we are scheduled for a home visit on Friday.

Now I am nervous and excited, I guess because its for real now. So needless to say, I will be frantically cleaning my house and for those of you who know me, you'll know that I will probably clean in areas she wont even look! Better safe than sorry, right? I have also begun to contemplate what the change from one to two children will be like ... I also realize my mom was very right in saying I need to start transitioning Madison from her crib to her bed so that won't be one more thing for her to adjust to. List making will commence as soon as I am done blogging!

So here we go! One more step towards meeting the newest member of our family ...