Coming to Terms with the Way It Is

This was not the plan … this was not the plan … this was not the plan … repeats over and over in my head as I lay in bed analyzing my life and the twists and turns that it has taken especially in the past two years. I agonize over ways to find a shortcut back to the plan; try to figure out where I went wrong and “what did I do to deserve this?” But guess what?? I am wasting my time … I could be spending this valuable time working with what I’ve got and moving forward because whether I like it or not, time is moving forward.


Confession, I sometime avoid situations and/or people who managed to attain part of my plan because I find it too difficult to deal with their “success” and my “failure.” Second confession, when I stop avoiding these situations and/or people I often come to realize that they have their own “failures” to deal with and their lives have veered off course just like mine has.


So moving forward, whether I like it or not, I am determined to get my head out of the past and into the present, into the future. I limit myself, I hold myself back, when I become bogged down in frustration, resentment, and discouragement. Life is not perfect, no plan ever works out perfectly, and honestly their so much more beauty in imperfection. So I resolve to move on, to break new ground, to do what I want to do and let nothing and no one hold me back.



"She who reconciles the ill-matched threads of her life, and weaves them gratefully into a single cloth -- It's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall and clears it for a different celebration."

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Fabulously Natural Mom: Natural Parenting

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It’s Not Always Black & White & Sometimes I’m too Uptight

After last nights, tantrum before bed, one where Madison demanded over and over to watch a “Moona,” better known to all of you as a movie, I was ready to throw the TV out the window. Why? Because its easier in some ways to blame something, anything, than it is to really face a challenge head on and yet deal with it in a peaceful, loving way.

The TV was not the problem, we the parents were the problem. It’s so easy to get caught up in the moment and lose sight of what really matters to us as parents. My first approach was to wean Madi from the TV, which was not all bad and had it not been for the advice of the most kindhearted friend, that’s where this would have all ended.

Forcing myself to come up with other solutions and ways of distraction actually brought out some really great fun and moments of intentional parenting that have sorely been lacking in the stress of the Holidays, work schedules, and two weeks of off and on again sickness. Instead of TV, we listened to music, we made a snake house out of a cardboard box complete with marker decorations and stickers, and the whole family piled into her tent for a morning snack. All things we would have missed had I simply turned the TV on when we woke up.

But before we throw the TV out the window, let’s fast-forward to an afternoon play date, to a mom to mom discussion, to the realization that TV is not the enemy. To understanding that following your child’s lead may even lead to some TV time and – gasp – that’s ok! I am not advocating using your TV as the babysitter 24/7 but within reason and with parent interaction it can be a way to connect with your child. Sometimes the connection may be through the imaginary play brought on by a certain scene or idea from a favorite show and sometimes like tonight, it can be a time to cuddle and chat before a peaceful, tantrum free, bed time.

A Look Back

Yes, finally, a blog post!
My heart is full tonight as I contemplate all the ways I have been blessed in spite of this very difficult season we have been through. The fact that we are still in our home is in itself a miracle and one I do not take lightly or for granted. In the almost two years since Madison’s arrival in our world, I can truly say we’ve been through it all and not just in regards to parenting but in life as whole.


Motherhood, for me, began with a rocky start, post partum depression, family far away, the desperate search for a community to surround my new mother self with, and in all this to find the balance of self/wife/mother/friend/etc. Somehow I have come out on the other side with the deepest of compassion and a depth of understanding that only experience can bring you. I am also grateful beyond words for the amazing, amazing, amazing group of friends that have come along side me, often in the most unexpected ways, to share this journey with. With family so far away, they have been a true life source, offering me so much joy, support, laughter, good times, advice, and friendship. I am also proud to say, that although it does not always go perfectly, I have learned to juggle motherhood, work, housework, fun times, family times and me times. My New Years resolution last year was to learn how to take time to care for myself and in doing so, I kicked postpartum depression in the butt! This is all thanks to the fact that I, FINALLY, have a regular work out schedule and routine, my new "happy pill." I never thought I was the athletic type but I have proved myself wrong and this year had the immense pleasure of completing both the Warrior Dash and my first 5k! You truly do not know what you have in you until you are pushed to the very end of yourself and choose to keep moving.

As most of you know, a month after we closed on our home and with both a new baby and a new dog to care for, Jeremy was laid off. So began almost a year of job searching and soul searching. We came so close to losing everything that we have come to hold dear, our home and our friends. And the prospect of moving to VA seemed our only option for a while. I stayed hopeful and upbeat for the longest time and then when it seemed like nothing was working no matter how positive I stayed or how hard we tried, I cried and I yelled and I got mad and I lost it. Sometimes you’ve just gotta have a good cry! Thankfully, Jeremy finally found a job! It's not his dream job and his schedule is less than ideal, but we are grateful. Most of all though, we have our family to be so very grateful to for coming to our aide when we were at our lowest point and helping to carry us through. Truly, that is what family is all about. No matter our differences and no matter the distance, when we need them, they are there.

There is still so much I could write about, the path was long and winding and overwhelmingly full of ups and downs. But I’ll leave you with this, “If you're going through hell, keep on going, don’t slow down. If you're scared, don't show it, You might get out before the devil even knows you're there.” :) There’s always Hope and I can promise you that you’ll get through even the darkest of days, just keep going!

Frustration to Inspiration

This morning was one of those mornings where I just wanted to kick some butt! I was angry as hell and beyond frustrated, some of it was valid frustration and some of it was just me being my control freak self. I recently had a conversation with a dear friend of mine about the possibility that our job choices have something to say about us as individuals on a psychological level. We both grew up in a very strict, religious, stifling environment and now here we are in our jobs managing and organizing other people’s lives. If that doesn’t say something, I don’t know what does …


For a long time I was told how to act, how to look, how to be and now that I am finally in control of my own life I teeter between easy going and control freak. I am an extremely tenacious, determined, go getter in some ways and in other ways I am a laid back, peaceful, carefree person. I think I draw the line when it comes to my personal life vs. my social life. In my personal life, I want to have control whereas in a social setting I am more willing to go with the flow and defer to others. In my personal life, I don’t deal well with change, I don’t like when things are chaotic or plans go array as they did this morning.


Before Madison was born, I was much more able to ignore the issues. I had so little time between work and school to really focus on bettering myself. After Madison was born, it became a complete necessity. Three months after she was born I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression, the dreaded diagnoses of every new mother. I mean really, who wants to tell their doctor, “Oh by the way, I think I am going a little crazy?”
Between dealing with my inner demons, adjusting to being a new mother and dealing with other difficulties in my life at the time I finally came to a point where I realized something had to change. For me the answer was far simpler than I imagined; I needed to take the time to focus on becoming a better person and developing better coping mechanisms. So I did two things; I opened my heart up to new friendships that continue to offer me support and a safe place to spill my guts and I started working out on a consistent basis.


Today when my emotions were at a boiling point and I needed a release for all my negative energy, I made myself focus on what would really be helpful to me mentally and emotionally. I went to the gym and I kicked my own butt and it was awesome! By the end of my workout, my negative energy was gone. My frustration had dissipated and I was able to examine the issues with a clear head as well as dance and be silly with my girly girl. I was always told I was not athletic, I never thought I would enjoy working out and sometimes I still don’t, but the overall positive impact it has had on my life mentally, physically, and emotionally make it more than worth the while. And to once again quote John Locke of LOST, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”


So wherever you are in your personal journey, realize that only you can change the negative into positive and that you do have the power to overcome. Don’t let your past or how others have labeled you determine how you are going to live out your life today. You have only one life to live, so live it fully, passionately, and have some fun!

What Happened to Bedtime??

8:45 ... Yep, that's when she finally gave up and went to bed tonight. These last two weeks have brought on a new round of bedtimes which have ranged anywhere from 7:30 - 10:00. This along with the added bonus of middle of the night visits that usually last for an hour of Miss Madi and I in the same bed  until she finally settles and is okay with going back into her crib. My girl has been a 7:00 - 7:30 bedtime girl for ever, what happened to bedtime?

Sleep schedules completely haywire, are topped with the new demands of my suddenly vocal and sturdily mobile child, who of course has never been less than completely determined. Throwing fits at the drop of a hat, just about anywhere and throwing toys and any available object to express frustration, usually directed at me because my attention has been diverted from her, have become daily norms. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'd run and hide but she'd just come find me ... :)

So because I've heard of the Bad Mom's Club, and was certainly feeling like one tonight, after serving Madison dinner on the couch accompanied by a movie, I decided to check them out and found this wonderful little tidbit describing two year olds. So for all of you who tell me my daughter's advanced, its a double edge sword because she had already hit the two's phase by 18 months. Anyway, this quote literally brought tears to my eyes:

"It’s not like having an infant who can’t walk, whom you can then plunk in the middle of the living room floor and at least drink your coffee. It’s not like having a five year old who might be at least capable, however badly, of wiping their own butt and tying their own shoes. No, two – and from the looks of it, well in to three – appears to be very possibly the most bone-wearying exhausting phase of parenting." (Please don’t tell me it gets worse. I can’t take it right now.)

They’re like unleashed orangutans. It’s the constant movement, the need to be in to everything, the seeming inability to listen to anything – or, let me correct that, the ability to listen and then do the exact opposite of whatever it is you’re telling them to do – the running, running, running, usually while shrieking, the NO DATS MINE!s, the grabbing, the food throwing, the food refusing – I suspect you get the point and, if your child is over two, you may be experiencing flashbacks. My apologies.


Never does sinking in to a kitchen chair at 9 pm in front of dinner and a glass of pinot feel so welcomed as the day when the toddler was up all night then up all day and shrieked from one end of it to the other, let’s put it that way."

I am teary eyed because I realize that I am not crazy, I am not losing it, I am not the only one going through this, and thankfully I am not the only parent finally sitting down after a long day with a glass of wine (Or possibly I am teary & bleary from exhaustion). One thing is for certain though, I wouldn't trade being her mommy for the world. I love this crazy, tenacious, overwhelming, amazing, little girl. I'll admit though, sometimes I wish I could be the one throwing myself on the floor and screaming, pushing people I am frustrated with, yelling "That's Mine!" when someone takes my parking spot ... :)

http://thebadmomsclub.com/2011/08/bad-moms-admit-exhaustion.html

Home Visit Scheduled!

As most of you know, we are currently going through the state to begin the adoption process and sent in our application a little while ago. I was getting pretty antsy and wondering why I hadn't heard anything from DCF regarding our application, so I decided to call and email! Well that got a response and after playing phone tag for the past couple of days, I finally spoke the woman assigned to our case and we are scheduled for a home visit on Friday.

Now I am nervous and excited, I guess because its for real now. So needless to say, I will be frantically cleaning my house and for those of you who know me, you'll know that I will probably clean in areas she wont even look! Better safe than sorry, right? I have also begun to contemplate what the change from one to two children will be like ... I also realize my mom was very right in saying I need to start transitioning Madison from her crib to her bed so that won't be one more thing for her to adjust to. List making will commence as soon as I am done blogging!

So here we go! One more step towards meeting the newest member of our family ...