Me & Myself Combined

So for months now I have had two separate blogs - one that focuses on my life in general and one that focuses on how I identify myself as a feminist and what it means to me. For some reason it never occurred to me until reading some other wonderful blogs that these two things should not be treated as mutually exclusive topics but rather go hand in hand. So from here on out I will write from both perspectives, I will write about what ever comes to mind on a given day, and stop trying to manage two blogs when I barely have time for one! More to follow, so stay tuned!

The Bittersweet Irony

I love my jobs ... I am an assistant to an Insurance Agent who specializes in Long Term Care Planning. I love what I do and I am learning so much. My boss has provided me with amazing flexibility and a wonderful opportunity to grow. I love being a mom, my daughter is such an amazing little person and I feel very privileged to be raising such a tenacious, strong-willed, and intelligent little woman. She has made my life so much more meaningful and fulfilling.

So where in lies my dilemma? I feel as if I am being pulled in two different directions and either way it will break my heart. I know that if I committed to longer hours, I could grow tremendously in this industry and become successful but ... I am having a hard time being away from my daughter for even the two short days that I work. I don't want to drop her off at her Preshool and leave her there and when I do it makes me want to quit my job. But then there are nights like last night where I got dressed up, went out for a nice dinner, and learned even more about the business, had a wonderful time and I loved it! Everyone tells you that you can have it both ways, but I wonder can you really? Ultimately will I be forced to sacrifice something?

In this case, I know in my heart of hearts that I would never do anything that would sacrifice my daughter's happiness. So I will instead, swallow my guilt, hold onto my belief that "it takes a village," and remember that I am my daughter's role model. Will I choose to model an attitude of guilt and defeat or will I instead teach her that Life is about balance? Just because I work part time doesn't mean I love her less, I can let go and realize that a healthy, happy mommy is the best mommy. I have to change the prevailing attitude of "good dad's work," and "good mom's stay home," by being that change.

Oh and PS ... I think I'm going to have to order Madi this cool t-shirt :)

On this journey ...

Today is one of those days when it is just so wonderful to be alive! The weather is perfect, the stress of the week is over, and I am enjoying a rare moment of time to myself while Madi sleeps and Jeremy runs errands. So FINALLY, I will write. :)

Lately, I have been on a journey of creating a stronger self inside and out. Becoming a mom was one of the most challenging curves life has ever thrown me. It seemed more than I could handle at times and the saying "when it rains, it pours," was more than appropriate for how life was in the past year. Missing family who were far when I needed them close, losing friendships that I thought were certain, my husband losing his job and with it our sense of security, battling for and with a close friend who was dealing with alcoholism, and the list goes on ... But somehow at the beginning of the year is was like I was given a revelation of sorts - You can care and care and care for everyone, which is wonderful, but sometimes the most important person to care for is your self. So from someone who NEVER makes New Years resolutions, one was made. I was going to learn to take time to take care of me.

I still have to make a conscious choice to not feel guilty and there are still days when the stress seems to be more than I can handle, but deep inside now I know I can handle it. So I have a choice, a choice to give into guilt, fear, and stress or to let go, relax, and know that no matter how hard I try to control things it will not change the outcome. I love this quote by Deepak Chopra,"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future." This brings to mind a picture of Madi, sometime while walking she likes to turn and look behind her. Most of the time this doesn't work out so well for her because she ends up bumping into walls. So it is with us, our journey forward will never be truly successful unless we stop looking back and start moving fully forward. Looking back only cause pain as we bump, moving forward creates freedom!

One thing I know for certain, ""You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think."

Peace

Peace. What does that mean?

This is my question in this hard time of wondering ...

I could lose it, that's for sure.

But is there really any benefit in that?

Of course not.

I have heard that it is in the hard times

that true character is revealed.

I am hoping that my true character

is stronger than I feel.

I've always wanted to be independent.

I've never wanted to rely on a man as a way to live.

A beautiful, baby girl changed all that!

I am no longer able to be an island.

I have to depend on other's to survive

both emotionally and financially.

That was fine, I was actually coming to terms with that ...

Until my husband lost his job.

Now I am faced with the fact that as unjust as it is,

my husband's earning potential is larger than mine.

It's hard for me to come to terms with that.

I want to jump in and save the day, but I can't.

I can't for two reasons,

One: my income is not enough,

Two: I can't imagine being away from my baby for 40+ hrs.

All that being said ...

Somewhere in all this I have to find a place of Peace

I have to know that it will all work out.

Life has ups and downs,

but somehow we are always ok.

And even though I don't see it right now,

there is an answer and there is a reason in all of this.

A Hopeful Place

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

~ Sara Groves

It's been a hard couple of years honestly, but today we closed on our house and were given the keys and I feel hopeful ... I am thankful that God sees a lot farther ahead than I do and has a better plan than I could make. So here's to a new place, a hopeful place.

"O Lord, you alone are my hope. I've trusted you O Lord, from childhood." Psalm 71.5

"... put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love ..." Psalm 130:7

Breathing Spaces

Becoming a mom has been more challenging than I could ever have anticipated, even now as I write this my daughter is deciding whether or not she is going to take a nap. :) I knew very well that I would be giving up a lot of my freedom but I what I never expected is how that would make me feel. Lack of freedom and total sleep deprivation have held me in a foggy state for months now and I have a hard time remembering what life was like before this; but, in those rare moments of lucidity where I am able to remember life before motherhood, I am hit with waves of sadness and then the impending guilt. I have always been ruled by guilt; but, who knew how much one mini girl could take your guilt and times it by 100%? Because of the guilt and over emotionalism (due to many factors) even when the opportunity has been offered to me to take time for myself I have been unable and unwilling to do so.

So basically I have been running on empty for months now. In the last month Everything began to fall apart and come together at the same time. The realization of my impending burnout began to open me up to the possibilities of letting go and letting other's help - for the first time since Madison was born I went to bed and let Jeremy do her last night feeding and first morning feeding; this was my first night of solid sleep since I went into labor this past March. I also went out on a limb and opened myself up to new friendship with other new moms. These women have changed my life and continually make me a stronger, better person and a more relaxed, peaceful mom.

Today I took the opportunity to go to a Yoga class and let one of the moms care for Madi while I was in class. It was wonderful and challenging at the same time. I had to fight back my fear and worry about how Madison was and choose to focus instead on being in the moment for myself. This was the longest time I have had to myself since Madison was born and it was exactly what I needed. I came out of the class feeling refreshed, recharged, and full of positive energy. Best of all, Madison was completely fine and as happy as she always is. Today I learned that I NEED to be deliberate in making room for breathing spaces in my daily routine. I am a better mom and wife when I am at peace and not in a frenzy. Guilt was robbing me of my joy and sucking away my energy - so going forward I choose to let go of the things I can't control, take a moment to breathe when I am given the chance, and realize that it truly does take a village to raise a child.

The Day the Simpsons Saved Me

So Madi and I took our first trip together to VA this past week, hence the lack of blogging, but anyway ... I was pretty nervous about taking her on the plane by myself but I shouldn't have worried considering I just may have the worlds best baby ( I'm obviously slightly prejudice:)). Our first plane ride was in the morning, which ended up being perfectly timed after her feeding and around her morning nap time. She slept like an angel the whole way there and the guy next to me commented as we were landed, "Wow! You've got a great baby." To which I replied, "I know, she takes after me." Just kidding about the last part. :) We enjoyed a wonderful week with my family and both Mommy and Madi were spoiled rotten. Ahh! Family!

Our flight back was not quite as smooth. For some reason they made me take her stroller with me to the plane when in Boston I had been allowed to check it with my suitcase. So I took her out of the Bjorn and put her in the stroller, we get to the security checkpoint and I found out I had to take her out of the stroller. Great! So out of the stroller now and into the Bjorn again. Security was slow as molasses and when I finally got up to the scanner no one was there to help me lift my stroller onto the conveyor belt and when I did get it up there it wouldn't fit! Of course Mr. Security didn't notice my dilemma even though he was watching a screen waiting for items to go through - "Um, hello? Didn't you notice your screen was blank?" So I called him over and told him my stroller wouldn't fit, he of course had to try for himself and finally said, "Hm, I think you're right." No! Really? My stroller than had to be hand checked because chances were I was carrying dangerous items in my stroller.

When I was finally free, I had to rush like crazy and find elevators because I couldn't do stairs or escalators with the stupid stroller! I finally made it to my gate with 10mins to spare. Phew! At that point Madi had fallen asleep in the Bjorn. Score! Or so I thought until the stewardess informed me that I couldn't have her in the Bjorn because she was safer sitting in my lap facing forward. Really? My 3month old sitting face forward instead of securely in the Bjorn? This was not a problem when I was flying out of Boston ... So of course she woke up. She did great for a while but really, you can only entertain a baby for so long and our flight was an hour long. Now I have a strict no TV policy for Madison, she is not allowed to watch it at all. I was flying JetBlue so I had the news on the screen in front of me, no sound, so I could check the time. At 7:00pm, the Simpsons came on and because its colorful, it caught Madi's eye and saved the day! She sat contently in my lap for the rest of the flight, doing two things she will not be allowed to do again anytime soon, watch TV and watch the Simpsons. Its amazing what you will do in moments of desperation so your child wont scream. And I always said I wouldn't be one of those parents ... :)